graves.

i need for my hand to be held
the way it used to.
when i was young,
and my legs had barely 3 years to break in their bones,
so i was the princess of unstable.

the way it used to be held,
when the two of us would walk across the pavement connecting back roads,
when i would trip on the air beneath my toes,
when you would tighten your grip
and suspend me.
our fingers interlocked, like a chain,
and you would swing me.
and all my eyes could see was a sky as blue as my future baby's eyes.

so these days, i need you to hold my hand,
because since you've left me,
i've started falling out of nowhere,
and there's no one waiting at my fingers to catch me.
so my landings have been so hard.

need you to hold my hand
the way you used to.
wrap your arms around me
and distract me with the feeling of what home should be.
you were the only thing keeping my cold heart
from freezing every part of me.
even my peach fuzz stood on edge.
even my bones felt barren.
so i need you here,
to have and to hold,
even if it's only in my palms.
i just need a distraction these days.

because all that i can remember
is cradling your bones on that last saturday.
all that i can remember
is you calling me beautiful and asking me about that boy in my math class.
all i can remember,
is the warmth of your heart filling your eyes and every inch of your cold white room.
all that i can remember,
is our fingers puzzle pieced together like graves.

so grandma,
i need you here.
to remind me to breathe, because sometimes i forget.
and hold my hand through all the hard parts, because sometimes i get scared.
to bring back memories that aren't of you on your death bed.
the only dreams i have of you, lately, are nightmares.
lately, my life has been a nightmare.
lately my hands have been cold.

and i need you,
because i don't want to do this alone.
i need you,
because i can't do this alone.