for gabriela.

it has been
eight months.

of regret.
of me thinking i did
what was best.
since the day i put
our relationship to the test.

eight months of
me folding my fingers
into prayers and into nervousness
singing hymns
of me wishing for forgiveness.

you left me
as empty
as the translucent jam jars
i used to keep our joint happiness in.
i swear, if you tried,
you could see right through me.

but i rarely let you see me.
because it has been eight months of
watching you deteriorate.
you used to be 70 % smiles, 29 excitement, and 1 % chai tea.
now all that i can see
is your fate,  and you are full of it.

and i spend my days
watching you fall through holes
and i waste my breath
speaking words
that never full go through your head
i bet
that you haven't read the last letter i sent you
since the first time i did.

gabriela,
i built my life
like a house
around a post.
of skin and bones,
you are skin and bones,
and i built my life,
like a goal,
around your limbs,
i would give anything to call you kin,
to call you sister
call you what ever i did back when things were right.
i would have given anything to save you.

please listen to me,
i would give.
anything.
to save.
you.




it's been eight months
since i made the mistake
of giving up.